She said, “I will say it again. I love you so much. You make me so happy, you know that don’t you, Treen?” A huge grin played across her face, as she continued, “You always do your best to make me whole. I’m not the person I want to be when I’m not with you. So, I will ask you again. Are we alright? Will you consider, sometime in the future, of being my wife?”
Trina looked directly in Jocelyn’s eyes and answered, “And as I said earlier, one step at a time, my love, one step at a time. I’m not saying no and I’m not saying yes. You have got to prove to me that you are worthy, not only of my love, but also of my children. At this moment you have proved nothing.”
“But Treen, I would never do anything to hurt you or your kids.”
Trina sat up and didn’t speak for a moment. In a quiet voice she replied, “You already have.” Jocelyn also sat up and opened her mouth to speak, but Trina stopped her.
“I don’t want to hear any more of your apologies at this precise moment. And don’t think you can jump back into our lives as though nothing has happened. I might be ready to try to forgive you. But there are some aspects of what happened that are very hard to understand, very hard to listen to and very hard to believe. But that will be a conversation for another time.”
She got out of bed saying, “I’m going to shower now. Whilst I’m gone phone Lucy and tell her it’s safe to bring the children back soon. And no. I don’t want you to join me.”
Trina walked out of the bedroom and made her way down the corridor to the family bathroom. Jocelyn’s eyes followed her as she sashayed out of the room.
Jocelyn sighed. She thought she had showed enough to prove that she loved her, and was shocked at how unfeeling Trina’s reaction was just then. It was if a switch had been flicked, and the previous couple of hours hadn’t meant much. She understood that she had a lot of making up to do, a lot of explaining to account for. And yet the first steps had been taken.
She reached for her phone and texted Lucy. Almost straight away she received one saying that they would be back in three quarters of an hour. She smiled at the thought of seeing Peter and Cathy again. She wondered how they would react. Would they accept her back into their lives, or would they distance from her. She hoped she could read Cathy a bedtime story, but she knew that Trina would be the one to decide that outcome. Jocelyn pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around them. Her head dropped down to rest on them as she closed her eyes in quiet contemplation. She took a deep breath and scrutinised what she could have lost. What she had almost thrown away.
She felt blessed, and hoped this feeling would last. She knew that it would take time for Trina to completely trust her again. If she ever did. She also knew that there would be some difficult conversations to be had.
She was grateful for having been given another chance to prove her worth. She thought back to the events earlier today, when she had knocked on Trina’s door, more in hope than anything else. She had pleaded to be let in, to explain. She had expected the door to be slammed in her face but Trina allowed her to cross the threshold.
She had begged forgiveness. She told Trina she was so sorry and that she loved her. She declared that she thought of her two children, Peter and Cathy, as part of her family. A family that she loved more than anything. Gradually Jocelyn had seen from the body language that most of the hurt, anger and annoyance was seeping away from Trina. Jocelyn didn’t want to think what would have happened if Trina hadn’t accepted her words. She needed to have contact with the only person she felt completely safe with. She knew it could be her last chance of happiness.
Her mind immediately transported her back to the night that could have seen her lose the love of her life forever. She still couldn’t fully comprehend what had happened, so how could she expect Trina to.
The events and her reasons which led up to meeting her ex girlfriend for a drink was etched in her brain. Sam was working for one of her biggest clients, so she couldn’t ignore her coming back into her life. She had been the liaison between the two companies. Seeing her again had brought both welcome and unwelcome memories to the fore.
Those memories were from so many years ago, and she hoped they had both moved on. If they ever wanted to have a working relationship she knew they would have to clear the air.
Trina understood that it was something that had to be done, to work out for herself. She was the one who pushed her away to sort it out, and to come back when she was ready. But Jocelyn couldn’t foresee to what depths that decision had plummeted her to. Sam was like a magnet. She always had been. Sam had a manipulative way about her, that played Jocelyn like a puppet. She seemed to be able to exploit the feelings Jocelyn had and was able to pull the strings, making Jocelyn dance to her tune. From the first moment she set eyes on her until the evening when she had caught her in another woman’s passionate embrace. That was when the love Jocelyn had for her dissipated in the blink of an eye. Or that’s what she thought until she came back into her life, and the same magnetism was there for all to see.
She had been told by her family and friends that Sam desperately tried to find her when she had run away all those years ago. The night that she felt betrayed by all the people who should have loved her the most. The night her girlfriend was disloyal. The night her step dad tried to attack her.
For her own sanity she also knew that she needed to listen to Sam’s side of the story. To know what really happened on that fateful night. The night that changed her life forever. The night that made her into the person she was today. She needed to have some sort of closure, she needed to know why. She wanted to know the truth.
She replayed in her mind the evening a couple of weeks ago when she went for drinks with Sam. The time they spent in the pub talking, explaining and trying to clear the air, was pleasant. She had complete recollection of every touch, every word, every innuendo that passed between them. She could virtually recite they conversation word for word. How had the dream of a reconciliatory drink became such a nightmare. She had planned to walk away after the talk and the drink, to get closure from that part of her life. Yet the talk hadn’t been finished and every moment she spent in Sam’s company made her old desires come to the surface. When Sam invited her back to finish off their discussion, she went willingly, a little bit too willingly.
So how did she wake up with no memory of what happened later, not even a passing image, a broken fragment. As if the time between evening and morning didn’t exist, as though she had been transported through time and all memory had been taken. Her mind was filled with blackness, nothingness, and was replaced with a feeling of dread. She felt as though she had the hangover from hell. Her body was more than sore.
Yes, she had downed a few whiskeys in the pub. Yes, her inhibitions had been loosened through the drink. And yes, perhaps it wasn’t a wise choice to go back to the flat. But she wasn’t drunk. Relaxed, but definitely not drunk. She wanted to finish the conversation so she could move on.
She had realised during the course of the evening that their relationship was in the past. All she wanted was to become reunited with Trina, and to have some sort of working friendship with Sam. She remembered that they had both fully explained everything which happened that fateful evening all those years ago. Jocelyn related what her step dad had tried to do and Sam described how their friend Lesley had been bet that she could split up their partnership. They appeared to have cleared the air. She could remember feeling as though a weigh had lifted from her shoulders. She could remember she told Sam that she was going to leave. She could remember throwing the whiskey down her neck. She could remember standing up to leave. And then nothing.
Why couldn’t she remember anything after that point. She wouldn’t have gone from being in total control of her faculties to being completely out of it just by having a gulp of whiskey.
Her brain reeled. It was as if her mind was replaying the evenings events on a loop. And yet her recollections always stopped in the same place. She kept on trying to make some sense of it and all that ever happened was an implausible thought. The implausible thought was the only one that ever made sense. And the thought that she kept going back to, was, that Sam had drugged her. She could think of no other reason. But why? Why would she do that?
She looked at her wrists. There was still the faint blue and yellow tint of bruising. The shame she felt again hit her hard and coursed through her body. She rubbed at her wrists hoping she could erase the marks, could erase the shame. But when she stopped rubbing the marks were still there and so was the shame.
If Trina had seen the evidence of that night she hadn’t mentioned it. Perhaps it was going to be one of the conversations she had promised.
The memory of the events of the next morning pushed its way to the forefront of her mind. Even more shame coursed through her. The things Sam said she had begged for. The way her body felt abused. Had she really been a willing participant. She had never contemplated being tied up in her life. And there was no way she would beg for it.
Then as she was leaving she came face to face with Sam’s girlfriend. A girl who had bullied Jocelyn through her teenage years for being a lesbian. She can remember hearing laughter as she walked out the door.
Shame again, almost threatened to overwhelm her. She then heard Trina’s slightly off key voice, singing one of the songs she always sang when she showered. The song always had an effect on her and immediately she felt more at ease.
Jocelyn smiled as she thought of Trina in the shower. She wished she could have joined her, but she also felt frightened. Frightened because of how her body had reacted earlier. Frightened that Trina might try to make love again. Frightened that she still wouldn’t be able to.
They had spend the past hour with Jocelyn pleasuring Trina, trying to show Trina her love. She had put everything into showing how much she loved Trina and how she wanted to make things right between them.
She could tell she was on the right path and Trina’s reaction only confirmed that fact. The way her hands clasped her head in place and how her muscles gripped her fingers. That was when she knew the first step had been accepted.
She wanted Trina to feel the love she had for her, that she wanted nothing in return. She wanted to love her and for Trina to love her back. Yet that was a lie. She hadn’t let Trina make love to her. She couldn’t let Trina make love to her. Because her body wouldn’t respond.
Unreasonably, she found her body didn’t trust Trina to treat her kindly. Why would her body think that? Why did her body react as if it was true? Trina; kind, caring, tender, compassionate, sympathetic Trina. Her mind told her that she could trust her, but her body said no.
How could she not trust her? She certainly couldn’t trust herself, but why couldn’t she trust Trina.
Jocelyn felt dirty and damaged and no matter how much she wanted the touch, desired the touch, needed the touch, she had pushed the one true person away who could give her the touches she craved.
How could she tell the love of her life that she didn’t want to be aroused by her, didn’t want to be caressed by her, didn’t want to be touched, didn’t want to be loved. It was if she didn’t deserve to feel loved by her. Yet, at the same time, that was all she wanted, all she craved, all she needed.
Jocelyn wanted to know whether her body was always to respond like it did or was it her mind telling her that Trina was the only one that mattered in that instance.
But what if it wasn’t just in that instance. She couldn’t understand why her body responded as it did. She loved Trina. She could do things to her that she never dreamed possible. She could make her feel alive. So why did she flinch and pull away at the merest hint of a touch.
Why had she placed a barrier between them, and it just wasn’t the knickers and T shirt she had refused to take off. It was a barrier in her mind that would stop them from being complete. A barrier that would intrude into their intimacy. A barrier that needed to be broken down. A barrier her mind needed to break down.
It made a massive hole in her emotions. A hole too big to be stitched back together. A hole that needed to be mended. A hole that gently needed to be healed.
But how was that to happen when her body didn’t want the person who could heal her to touch her.
Jocelyn firmly pulled the covers around her, wrapped her arms tighter around her knees. As she rocked gently, she began to question her judgment, her self-worth, and even her sanity. The feelings of helplessness, weakness, shame, and self-blame rose again to the surface. Even though she knew Trina’s home was a safe space, she again found herself feeling vulnerable. She could feel her mind retreating back into the dark place of despair. The meeting with her counsellor couldn’t come soon enough.
Jocelyn knew that Trina had seen her in a different light these past few weeks. Did she want to tell her the truth, downplay what happened or keep it a secret. She knew that Trina had said she didn’t want to know what truly happened, but it had interfered with their intimacy, their lovemaking earlier.
Should she stay silent, and deny any help that was forthcoming. Could she continue being intimate with Trina knowing it might be only in one direction. Jocelyn realised that no matter how hard it was, Trina deserved the truth.
These past weeks she had beaten herself up enough, Even though, after the fact, it was easy to second guess what she had or hadn’t done, and what she should or shouldn’t have done, continually questioning if she had missed any of the warning signs. She knew that the thing she had done wrong was to go back to Sam’s place after the pub. Everything else she did not feel responsible for. Sam was the only one to blame.
She knew that since that night she had disconnected both emotionally and physically. Her mind and body was an enemy, something that had been violated and contaminated. From previous experiences she knew that the danger to her physical and mental health came from avoiding her feelings. And yet to try to get rid of the demons, she had drunk herself into a stupor for days, Existing, prevailing, happening but not living.
She knew she had both Lucy and Trina to thank for bringing her back from the brink. To allow her to live again. She had a lot of bridges to mend. She had to move to the second step of the ladder. Could she do it? She didn’t know. All she knew was one step at a time was needed to help climb her way back to redemption.
Jocelyn realised that one of the most important aspects of getting their life back together was for her to heal mentally, physically and sexually. And for that to happen she had to talk to Trina.
She had to feel safe, comfortable, respected, and understood. It would need a lot of soul searching and uncomfortable discussions. But for now that was a conversation for another day.
She wondered if they were strong enough to ever get through this. Was there always going to be a barrier that they had to break through to find the happiness they deserved?
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