“What do you mean? You’re going away at Christmas. You can’t go away by yourself at Christmas.” Trudy said in a voice that grew louder with each word. Trudy gave Debs an inquiring look. A look that asked whether she knew anything about it. Debs shrugged her shoulders, as though to say, ‘I have no idea’. Debs asked, “What? Why? How?” Trudy butted in, “You just can’t. Christmas is for friends and family. What about your Mum? She will be expecting you.” Alison spoke, with a hint of emotion, as she tried to keep her voice matter of fact, “Mum knows I won’t be home.” “How did she take that?” Debs asked. “She was the one who told me I couldn’t go there this year. She had been invited to one of her gentlemen friends from the social club she goes to and had accepted the invitation.” “Oh." Trudy’s whole manner deflated. "That’s a bummer.” Debs replied. Alison gave a little shrug, as she said, “And as all of my friends are busy with their own lives, I thought I’d go on holiday.” “Sorry,” Trudy said as she squeezed her wife’s knee, “but we haven’t seen Debs’ family at Christmas, ever.” “I know,” Alison’s eyes showed that she was happy for them, as the smile that played across her face grew. “Just teasing.” Debs looked lovingly into Trudy’s eyes. “They are so looking forward to me bringing my new wife home for Christmas.” Alison continued to smile at them. A smile that showed the years of mutual love and support they had given each other, through good times and bad. “I’m very glad you made an honest woman of her, Debs. Finally, after how many years?” Trudy took her wife’s hand and gave it a squeeze, saying, “Nine years. And I can’t work out why we didn’t do it sooner.” “Because I didn’t think my family knew about me, about us,” Debs replied, returning the smile. “Yes, they knew Trudy was a friend. But because until I met Trudy, I’d never been in a relationship with a woman, I didn't realise I was a lesbian. And how old am I? All those years of missing out, I just thought sex sucked," she grinned. “You're forty eight and a babe in arms compared to us.” Alison laughed, indicating Trudy and herself. “And you’ve definitely made up for all those lost years.” “Too much information,” Alison put her fingers in her ears and sang, “La, la, la.” Debs laughed, gave Trudy a furtive glance before she resumed, “Then last year Mum only asked why I didn’t want to go to theirs for Christmas again. How can you be my age and not be out to your parents?” She shook her head, smiling, “I’m stuttering around. Trying to find the right words to tell them I’m a lesbian, and that I wanted to spend the holiday season with my beloved. When my Dad, bless him, said, ‘Debs. All we want for you is to be happy. And if being in a relationship with Trudy is making you happy then who are we to judge. We love you dearly. And we can see the love between you and her. Please ask her to join us next year.’ Bless him.” “And that’s what we’re doing,” Trudy replied, as she squeezed her wife’s knee. “Married and going to the in-laws for Christmas what more could a girl ask for?” Debs gave a small shake of her head, smiled and continued, “It seems that they knew I was a lesbian for years and had been waiting patiently for me to come out to them. That’s what gave me the courage to ask Trudy to marry me. Knowing that we had their support.” “I wish my Mum was as supportive. She still thinks it’s a phase I’m going through.” Alison laughed a hollow laugh. “A phase doesn’t usually last for almost forty years. She thinks I should be bringing home some handsome man from accounts.” Alison looked sad as she continued, “I’m glad I’m not going to my Mum’s for another Christmas by myself. Not three years on the trot. She already thinks that I’m a failure.” “You’re not a failure,” Debs jumped in. “Look around you. You got a lovely house, a sports car I would die for, and a good job.” “But no significant other,” Alison replied in a flat tone. “True,” Trudy responded, “But Viv wasn’t good for you. She was sucking all the life out of you.” “I know. I know. I can see it now. But I thought I loved her. And thought she loved me.” A look of pain flitted across her chiselled face, as a tear began to well at the corner of one of her blue eyes. She turned away blinking. Trudy got up and sat beside Alison. “Don’t you dare begin to feel sorry for her, for yourself. She was using you. She was a narcissistic abuser.” “Don’t start,” Alison warned, shaking her head, “I know what you’re going to say.” Trudy also shook her head, and said, as gently as she could, “She needed money and a place to live. You were the ideal candidate for her schemes. She reeled you in, hook, line and sinker. And you allowed it.” A sigh escaped from Alison’s lips, “I realise that now. But all through the relationship she made me feel wanted, needed, loved. And not just in bed.” Ignoring all the warning signs, Trudy continued, “She also stopped you seeing your friends. She was a control freak.” “She wasn’t. Not really,” Alison said defensively. A strangled gurgle escaped from Debs’ mouth. Alison had the grace to look sheepish as she replied, “Well perhaps a little.” Both of the other women raised their eyebrows as if to disagree. “Okay. I’ll admit it. She was a control freak.” Trudy couldn’t keep her feelings in. Her voice became raised and agitated as she spoke through gritted teeth, “She hit you. I’ll never forgive her for that.” Defensively, she replied, “Once. She hit me once. And I deserved it.” Another strangled gurgle escaped from Debs’ mouth. She took a deep breath, and with controlled anger, said, “Do not defend her. No one deserves to be hit. It’s abuse. Do not make excuses for that abhorrent behaviour.” Alison closed her eyes and took some deep breaths. “I do know,” she said as she looked up to see the supportive faces of her best friends. She smiled a weak smile and continued, nodding her head, “I really do. But pretending it didn’t happen is helping me move forward. I am angry with her for what she did to me and what she took from me. I know I should hate her, but I can’t. She stole a piece of me, and I think she might have it for a while. I also know that gradually it is being returned to me.” Trudy placed an arm around Alison’s shoulders and pulled her in close. “You are one of the most caring and kind people I know. Don’t ever let anyone take that from you.” “Don’t be nice or I’ll start to cry.” “I know sweetie,” Trudy hugged her tightly. “You’ve both seen enough of my tears to fill a small lake.” Trudy continued, “You’re getting through this. As my Dad used to say, ‘if it doesn’t kill you it will make you stronger’. And you’re getting stronger every day.” As a tear rolled down her cheek Alison looked at her two friends and in a determined voice, said, “Thank you for being here. In a way I miss her, I miss the companionship, but I am glad she’s gone.” Debs went over, sat on the other side of Alison and took her hand. “I’m so glad she’s gone, that she’s out of your life. You’re too nice and decent to be associated with the likes of her.” “I know you both tried to warn me about her, but I was in lust. She was beautiful. And no-one that pretty has ever taken a second look at me.” “You’re saying I’m not beautiful,” replied Trudy smiling. Flustered, Alison looked horrified, “No. You are beautiful. But that was a drunken one-night stand between two lonely close friends.” Trudy smiled and said, “I know. I’m only teasing you. We would never have lasted so long as friends if we had taken it further.” Alison weakly returned the smile. “I value both your friendships above anything else. However, I do miss the intimacy, even though it was wrong on all counts.” “So, let someone in.” Alison dabbed at her eyes, and displaying resolve said, “I’m going to live the single life. I’m done with relationships. All they do is bring pain and suffering.” Trudy gasped, “I don’t believe you. You have to let there be a next time.” “There won’t be a next time. I want to be alone. I can’t go through this again. I don’t think anyone will love me like I want them to. I’m fifty-two in a month’s time and I am going to live my life on my terms. Not on someone else’s. I’m an independent woman of means and am going to start as I mean to go on. No one is ever going to take advantage of me again.” Debs whooped, and said, “You go girl.” Trudy gave her friend a hug and asked, “Are you going to tell me where are you going for Christmas? Please tell me it’s somewhere exotic.”
∞∞∞
“Hi Ma. How are you doing?” Maddie adjusted the screen on her tablet and settled back to enjoy her usual catch up. “I’m fine, Sally,” Maddie sighed. “How’s Richard and the boys?” “That’s one of the reasons why I’ve got in touch with you today. You remember I told you that Richard had gone for promotion.” “Yes.” Sally continued, excitedly, “Well he got it.” “That’s brilliant news, love,” Maddie said, and allowed a big grin to cover her face. “He’s going to virtually double his salary overnight.” “Fantastic. I’m delighted for you. And your Mother would have been proud of you both.” The last few words caught in her throat. Sally noticed and replied, gently, “Ma. I wish I could be with you to give you a cuddle. Here’s a virtual kiss instead.” Sally kissed her fingers and touched the screen. Maddie touched the screen then her lips. “It doesn’t get any easier does it, Ma?” “No, it doesn’t. Every night when the night is clear I look at our star and talk to her.” “She would like that,” Sally said, as a wistful look played on her face, “I listen to her last voicemail message,” Sally laughed, remembering her mother’s words, “even though she was telling me off about not phoning her.” Maddie felt her breath catch again. “I do still miss her so.” A smile made its way to Sally’s eyes, “She loved you very much.” “She was my world,” Maddie paused, took a deep breath, and closed her eyes. When she opened them, a smile played on her lips, “Made so much better with our little rug rat.” “I couldn’t have wished for two more loving Mums.” Maddie reached out and touched the screen, as if stroking Sally’s cheek. “I love you like you were my own.” “I know, Ma. I know. You mean more to me than that useless man I have to call Dad.” “He loves you and is proud of you.” Sally shook her head. “He has a funny way of showing it.” A concerned look flashed across Maddie’s face, as she asked with a sigh, “What has he done now?” Sally rolled her eyes. “It’s more a case of what hasn’t he done. He was meant to take the boys fishing on Tuesday. I couldn’t get hold of him and had to contend with two grumpy boys for the rest of the afternoon. The next day he waltzes in bearing gifts, with only a hint of apology. He thinks buying his grandsons presents makes up for everything. Grrr, he is so annoying.” Maddie gave a small laugh, “I can see why you’re annoyed with him.” Sally smiled and then her features became worried. Noticing the change Maddie asked, “What’s wrong love?” Maddie could see that Sally was struggling to find the words. “Whatever it is you are trying to tell me can’t be that bad. Just spit it out. You can say anything to me. You know that, don’t you?” Sorrow continued to play across Sally’s face. “It’s about the promotion Richard got.” “What about the promotion? It’s brilliant news, isn’t it?” “Well yes and no. The wage increase will get rid of any of our money troubles.” Concerned Maddie interrupted, “Money troubles. You didn’t tell me you were struggling. All you had to do was ask.” A smile played across her face and love shone through her eyes, “I know Ma. I know. We’re fine. We’ve just had to tighten our belts a bit.” “What is it, baby doll?” Sally took a deep breath and spurted out, “Richard’s promotion means we will have to move to Canada.” “Canada!” Maddie exclaimed, with an intake of breath. “Why Canada?” “They need him to take over the reins at the new office in Toronto.” “When?” Maddie looked shocked and saddened, “When are you going?” “Richard starts his new job on January the second.” “January the second?” She moved her hand to her face. “Oh. That’s sooner than I hoped.” “I know. That means we’ll have to move before Christmas.” “Christmas,” she gasped as the news registered in her brain, a look of dismay played on her features, as she realised the enormity of the news. “Christmas,” she repeated again. She felt tears starting to gather in the corner of her eyes. Maddie tried to blink them away, but she soon had to brush at them with the knuckle of her hand. “Ma. Don’t cry. We can still have our regular chats.” “But you’ll be so far away. I won’t see the little fellas growing up. I won’t be able to come and stay with you every couple of weeks. What am I going to do?” “Ma please don’t cry. Be happy for us.” “I am happy for you,” Maddie gulped back a sob. “Will I get to see you before you go?” “Come up and stay next week. It’s October half term. You can spend some quality time with them,” she paused, “and me.” Maddie offered a smile, even though she felt her world falling further apart, “I’d love too. I’ll see what I can organise.”
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